Why I never felt normal:

I was born In Barcelona, Spain, in 1988. My father was french, from Paris, with english roots and my mother is catalan with swiss roots, so I was able to speak three languages at the same time at age two.I started going to a french kindergarten in Barcelona that felt like paradise. I felt free and able to experiment with shapes, colors, textures..and I was able to emprove my creativity without being under pressure or under any judgment. Then I pursued the rest of my education in a very strict french school that was so big that I often found myself lost even to go to the toilet.It felt like a prison. One day,at age 6, I told my mom I didn’t want to listen to the teacher because there would be no space left in my brain for ” the important things ” . I wasn’t a good student, I was a dreamer and suffered a lot by being forced to learn the things they wanted me to learn , the way they wanted. That place didn’t feel natural. It was, to me, a place where frustrated people were absorbing the inner true wisdom which every child was born with, with their agressive authority. We were all frightened by them: the vampire-like teachers that were sucking our freshness, our joy, our dreams and our authenticity.I wasn’t able to think or to “be ” anymore, I was only able to “obey” as if I was a Robot.

I remember that day when I saw a snake in the toilet…I could hear the sound and see the reptile very vividly, so I told a teacher I couldn’t go there anymore because of that and apparently nobody else could see it. They said I was a liar, made fun of me and severly punished me for the rest of the day. Could we only be living in the same world? Were we just different species? That day I understood I had to shut my mouth. That saying the truth could be dangerous. Others didn’t always want to see, didn’t want to know. They lived in a pre-constructed bubble world of blindness.

Then came the age when my body started to change. I was about nine years old and I was almost fully developed. I was also a lot taller than others and people used to mistaken me for a teenager, so I looked completely stunted with my child-like attitude. Of course, I was only nine. I felt as if the world punished me by stealing my childhood, which was actually happening. So at the age ten, I went through a painful existential depression that lasted for an entire year. I literally wanted to die. I didn’t see the meaning of life and felt trapped in an unfair world of suffering. I didn’t go to school that year. Apparently, I was talking about things I never heard or talked about. There was this ” twin” I could communicate with in distance that I knew for a very long time and I began to see a purple line that followed me everywhere. That was a VERY weird episode of my life. Even more than it is right now.

The next year, after my recovery – which wasn’t really a recovery I would say – I returned to school. I lost an entire year so I found myself in a class full of people that were a year younger than me. That wasn’t a very pleasent situation , but I did some good friends and completely forgot about what happened in the past.

In my teenage years I became totally ” normal”, or I guess that’s what I desperately tried to be. But  then people started to go the gym, night clubs ( for teenagers ), smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol which I didn’t like. I felt like an extraterrestial again, totally apart from others, even if I remained strong and loyal to myself, I suffered a lot from being classified as ” borring”, “speechless” or “prude”.

At 17, a week after my birthday, my father suddenly died from a prostate cancer. Only three weeks passed between my dad told us she felt he has a very bad ” cold” until the day of his death. All happened very quickly and I wasn’t really able to feel any pain, which would make me feel horrible. I didn’t really have a close relationship with him, but I loved my dad as he was part of myself.

After his death, I decided to move to France to be more in contact with the part of him that was in me.  So I pursued my studies in a private Art school in Paris where I had a Master degree in graphic design and  illustration for children. I lived there for six years.

The last three years, my boyfriend with whom I was living, convinced me to model to earn some easy money, and so I did, certainly to please him, but also to gain some more confidence. I started travelling a lot, having money and forgot about my art and genuine Self.I became obsessed with my appearence and suffered for being with someone that didn’t really love me for who I really was. I began to develop trust issues and getting tired of live again. There was only one thing I never did to please others: alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, parties, night clubs,sport, casual sex…

I don’t know why I’ve allways been a very sleepy, soul tired person…

The last year I obtained my American model working visa with a good agency in NY, but then the volcano suddenly erupted and here I am, back with my mom, in Barcelona where I was born, doing art and connecting with authentic people.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s